It's Been 20 Years....

Other than the years directly following, I have not acknowledged, or thought about it on the anniversary of that day.....

I woke up this morning, feeling tired, a normal feeling after a long week, and not being able to sleep in. Being the addict that I am, I pulled my laptop on to my bed, opened it, and began to read the tweets that I missed while sleeping. I came across one to me, from a girl in Germany. She posted a few songs for me, one to sleep to and one to wake up to. I clicked on the one to sleep to and everything rushed to me. It was one of the Beethoven songs that my dad used to play on the piano--played solely on the piano.

I was 11 years old. I don't remember much of that time, I think I blocked out a lot of it. My father was in the hospital for a back surgery of some sort, but they couldn't get his fever down. So they started running tests, every test imaginable, to try to figure out what was going on. Everything came back negative. So they deducted that it was guillaine barre syndrome. From what I understand, it is like a temporary polio, paralyzing parts of the body (all being temporary--and expected to recede, which could take years, but would gradually go away). It is very rare to get, and even rarer to die from. The doctors thought things were okay, it seemed to be moving through his system quickly.

20 years ago tomorrow, my brother and I were not allowed to visit him in the hospital because Dad was having a treatment done where they cleaned his blood, and for some reason he had a bad reaction to it, and he didn't want us to see him that way and on a respirator. My mom was with him. She later told me that they were sitting there, talking about how once he had recovered they were going to plan a family trip to Hawaii, so that we could all relax and have fun together. His heart rate was high from the treatment earlier in the day. As they were talking it started to drop, slowly. This was good. My mom still sat by his side as he fell asleep and his heart rate continued to drop and drop and drop. Then....all the buzzers went off and people from all over the hospital came rushing in. My mom said it was just like in the tv shows, she was pushed out as more and more people came running in. The nurses came out crying and they told her that he was gone before they even went in there. They never got a heart beat back, my dad was gone. He was 42 years old, had a young family, and in fantastic shape.

This is the part where I can't even imagine what my mom was going through. She lost her husband, the love of her life, and now, now she had to go home and tell her children that their father was gone.

It was late, and we were sleeping. A neighbor was watching us. I recall opening my eyes and seeing my mom in the doorway to my room. She hadn't said anything, I couldn't see her face. And I said, "He's dead, isn't he?" She came to my side in tears and said, "Yes, baby, he is." That is a moment that I will never forget--though I don't remember much after. I truly believe that my father visited me while I slept, and said good bye. I knew how much he loved me, I knew he was gone, she didn't have to tell me.

The following days/weeks are a blur. I don't remember much at all. I do know that I didn't cry. I didn't allow myself to feel. And in the back of my mind, I thought "No, he's just on a business trip, he'll be back."....I didn't cry about my father's death until I was 20, 9 years later.

Looking back, at times I have wondered how things would be different if that hadn't have happened. I know that I would be a completely different person. I know my brother would as well. I wonder if I would still be a teacher. I wonder what choices would have been different. Yet, there's not a thing about my past or me that I would change. Do I wish he never left us? Of course!

There are days that I have felt his presence, and wished desperately that he was standing there by my side. The one that sticks out is my college graduation, and I know that one day it will be my wedding. That will be a hard day, a wonderful day, but a hard one--not to have him to walk me down the aisle. And this July when my brother has his first child, my dad's first grandson, I will think of how happy my father would be, and how excited he would be to hold that little guy. But he will be there, he will be with me and my family, and all those that knew him....he will be in our hearts.

We are lucky though. After 7 years, my mom found a wonderful man, Bill (ironically the same name as my dad). He treats my brother and I like his own children. They have been married now for over 11 years. I call him "My Bill." He is a great man, and his family is so welcoming and wonderful. Though we lost, we also gained.

I am thankful for having such a loving and wonderful father, even if it was only for a moment of my life. Today, I am not saddened by the loss that occurred 20 years ago, I am holding on to the love that he gave me, and I celebrate the life that he led. He was a great man, father, and husband. He is a part of who I am, and he will forever live within my heart.